Just fell off a train. Bad.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
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Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
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In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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