If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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