just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We just shotgunned beers for America
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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