How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I deserve this hangover.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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