Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
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He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
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We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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