Im at strip club and am horny
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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