The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
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as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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