Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
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At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
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do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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