Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
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I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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