While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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