Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
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Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
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A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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