Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
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You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize