I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
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You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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