Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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