Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize