I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
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I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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