can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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