saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
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i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
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I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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