I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
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I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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