I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
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I feel like death gave me a hand job
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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