My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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