Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
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I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
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I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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