I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When did we convert life to cartoon?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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