I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
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Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
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I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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