after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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