I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
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Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
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Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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