He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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