You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
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i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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