I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
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You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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