my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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