What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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