if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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