This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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