if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
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I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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