So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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