Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
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she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
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So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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