What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
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I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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