your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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