I just saw a hot homeless man
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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