he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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