She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
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My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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