I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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