i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
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id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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