Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
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My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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