Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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