I never want to see another naked old woman again.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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