Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
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