the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
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so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
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Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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