the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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