I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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